It’s June and almost one year; one year from when I was sitting across the desk in HR being informed that my position was being eliminated – it wasn’t personal; it was a business decision. It is typical that on the first anniversary of a major life event, particularly the death of a loved one, the time can be very trying. Loss of a job is certainly up there and equaling trying.

grief2I thought I had pretty well come to terms with my being let go and had effectively integrated it and was moving forward successfully. Truth is I never fully acknowledged how deeply it hurt me. A broken heart quietly cloistered away to put on a positive front. My job was my life. I loved the work I did and the position I had. That was all gone. And the exhaustive efforts I have put forth in the past year to replace it have not been successful.

Thoughts keep surfacing about what must have been going on behind the scenes, definitely behind my scene. Words like deception, betrayal, discrimination, cheated and abandoned are swirling around my head. I ask: “how could so much have been taken from me after having given so much of myself?” No comforting answers come to me. All I hear are dull platitudes like: “It is what it is” or “It’ll be OK” or “You’ll get through this.”

That’s great – more positivity. And how, I wonder. Having had my confidence shattered by questioning my worth after a year of job searching without a serious buyer stepping up and making me a job offer.

Interestingly, I am not alone in this experience. So many stories are out there of others who have experienced the same chain of events. This seems to happen to those with more grey hair, but that is almost impossible to prove. I never believed those age related claims before, but who knows for sure.

Sooner or later something comes along. I have been looking at entrepreneurial opportunities but am uncertain I am up to the commitment or responsibilities; I almost certainly know I cannot do it alone. There have been a few little consulting gigs which have provided some professional engagement – but just not enough.

This essay won’t magically resolve my situation. I did think, though, it important to get out my feelings – that would ease my mind. Putting into words and evacuating those negative feelings would help clear my head and help me regain focus on possibilities and positive outcomes. I now recall how magically, things can change in a day and how I only need to deal with one day at a time. Never give up hope.